Saturday, 16 September 2017

Turn a Pagan to Stone Today!


As everyone knows on September 19th Saint Cornely turned a group of Pagan Soldiers to stone. His account of the event runs thus:

"Hello! My name is Saint Cornely. You may remember me for my work with the protection of cattle. However today I’m here to talk to you about something that affects us all: Pagans. They’re everywhere aren’t they?  Casting their spells, dancing around in a circle, hugging trees and mushrooms.  
You all know about the time I was chased by Pagan soldiers (they probably wanted to make me a bracelet out of hemp and cabbage or something). Anyway it was September 16th and I was walking with my two oxen, when I saw them coming for me. I hid in one of the Ox’s ears, said some holy words and turned those blighters to stone! I’m happy to say that I can offer you the same service. If you have Pagan Problems pray to me and I’ll turn them to stone! Mind you knowing them, they’ll probably like it."

If you are plagued by Pagans day and night then why not try a quick prayer to Saint Cornely?
The following is taken from the Saint Cornely Book of Righteous Prayer and endorsed by the Pagan Eradication and Nullification International Society.

"Saint Cornely hear our cry
'The Pagans come!' you hear us sigh,
They dance about and hug their trees
And so we beg you on our knees
Stop their evil wicked follies
Their midnight jigs and corned dollies
Stop them quickly, stop them now
Turn your eyes from herd of cow
And turn to us and hear our prayer
'Fore they fly swiftly through the air
To rip us all from tender bed
And curse us with their spells so dread.
Change their skin and alter bone
And turn them all to blessed stone."

Below you will find a cut out and keep display version of the prayer for you to cut out, keep and display.



If you know of any other instances of heathens, pagans or other wicked sorts please do share them below or on the Facebook page.

Be safe!


Friday, 15 September 2017

Happy Christmas!


If you are like me and you know your history you will already have your Christmas decorations up and your presents bought.

If not don't panic, you can celebrate Christmas at the feast of Saturnalia like you always do.

Happy Christmas!

Tuesday, 12 September 2017

We crown King Pumpkin today (in France).


I don't know about you but by 12th September my Pumpkins ain't very majestic.
I don't know what they feed them in France but take a look at this beauty...

Image result for La Fete du Roi Potiron
All Hail the Pumpkin King
(Source - http://www.ouest-france.fr)
As well as carving pumpkins and selling vegetables the villagers also carry the biggest Pumpkin through the market, perform a coronation and pay their respects.

How are your Pumpkins doing?
Send us pictures in the comments below or on our Facebook page!

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Feeling Horny? It must be time for the Abotts Bromley Horn Dance!


The Horn Dance is on September 10th this year...
Are you ready?
Use the checklist above to help you to prepare.

As well as this there are two other things you HAVE TO DO (see below).
Image result for Wild Hunt of Hagworthy
Read this now.
Have you read it yet?
You won't be allowed to the dance until you have.
Read it. NOW.

Listen to this now.
Now.
Buy it too.
You have been told.

Friday, 8 September 2017

Moving House this September? Why not try Angel Moving Services?


On September 8th 1292 Angels House Moving Services™ picked up Mary, Joseph and Jesus’ house and moved it from Palestine to Yugoslavia to avoid it being destroyed by the enemies of the Christian Faith. Three years later the angels moved it again to Loreto.
There was a minimum of breakages,  and much rejoicing.

If you would like to use Angel House Moving Services™ then PRAY NOW!


Friday, 1 September 2017

Leaves will Fall... The September Mix is here...

It is September. Summer is drawing to its end. The nights are closing in. Leaves are on the turn and primed to fall. Joyously run through the fallen leaves on the Kalendar Heath this month with Nick Drake, Dinah Washington, Simon and Garfunkel, David Cain, Captain Beefheart, Justin Hayward, Lou Reed, Earth, Wind and Fire, Jez Butler, David Whitfield, Fiona Apple, New Model Army, Monty Python, Carole King, Tindersticks, Edith Piaf, The Flaming Lips, The Waterboys, David Sylvian, The White Stripes and John Martyn. You will hear extracts from “Ashley and Ashley” the September story from “Wyrd Kalendar” due to be published in October this year by Wyrd Harvest Press.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

There is no escaping the inevitable... LEAVES WILL FALL


You can fight it but it will happen.
The leaves that you fell in love with, the leaves that gave you shade from the harsh summer cloud.
They will fall.

You know that you will be out there, treading through the damp grass, sweeping the little dry brown red corpses into a rustling pile of death.
They will fall.

The branches will stand stark and bare before the grey sky.
They will fall.

And like them you know that you too will die, you will join the earth and feed the ground.
And as you lie beneath the earth they will make a blanket for your dissolving self.
They will fall.